Guests

When I put Bgrace, The Gallery together, it was an attempt to compile my writings/photos from various places/blogs and pull them together for a public audience. So until this point I have refrained from putting other people's works here. However, if you know me, you know my nature is anything but legalistic. So I decided to share the works of a few people I am currently mulling over, and I think from time to time I might invite a few more guests to visit us at The Gallery.
Take some time and lose yourself in their work.






Katie Melua is a new discovery for me.  When I saw "The Tourist" I heard a song I knew I wanted to hear again, so I did a little digging and found out who it was by.  I started to listen to the body of work by this singer and was immediately drawn in.  I love the serendipity and whimsy in her writings and yet I also find depth in them.  Her song/video It's Only Pain is fantastic.  And the song No Fear of Heights from The Tourist, I could listen to all day long (and will as soon as I get the CD.) But my favorite is the piece above.  It is a beautiful romantic ballad, but it also feels a lot to me like what I am experiencing in my relationship with God.  It's that sense of wherever you are is where I want to be.  Whatever you are a part of is what I want to be in...and knowing that God longs for us with as much depth of desire.  It is meaningful to me in many personal ways--the sea, seagulls, stars, and sailboats.  The line, "sometimes I believe in fate but the chances we create always seem to ring more true" is a thought I have turning over in my mind about many things over the past few years. I don't believe in chance, but I do believe in choice and risk.   But to understand what I mean by that, you'll have to read the book below.  I've also ordered her DVD of her concert under the sea (literally), and can't wait to hear more. I hope you enjoy her as much as I do.

Now, for those of you in the know about these things, John Sanders may very well be on your black list.  Of course, if you are a person that has such a list, unless you are related to me, you probably don't read my blog. (Love you, Dad, just kidding :-)

I am going back to this book.  I have had it for several years, but my emotions were too raw and too close to the conversation for me to be able to read it without the onset of a nervous breakdown. I just wasn't ready for what I was reading to be true, and couldn't get away from how much sense it made to my world which was not making sense at the time.  

I believe that if you would approach the subject of providence with an openness, willing to look at it again with fresh eyes, you would absolutely benefit from reading this book.  And if you are scared of being confused rather than enlightened, than by all means read D.A. Carson's Divine Sovereignty and Human Responsibility with it. It will give you a broad grasp of the discussion.

Less intimidating, perhaps, is my next guest, though I don't think you will find her more shallow.  This is my all time favorite movie.  I watched it last week for the first time in a while.  I like this movie better every time I see it.  Every word, every frame is layered with meaning.  It is not a horror movie, though it is certainly full of suspense. Shyamalan does what only he can do with a story, or in this tale, I should say with Story, the name of the Madame Narf from the Blue World.  If you have never seen it, there is no movie I would recommend more highly than this one.  There are a few things in your life that you see that change you.  For me, this movie was one of them. The first clip is a fabulous trailer, but when I saw the second one, I couldn't not post Josh Groban's addition to the feeling of the story.  If you look up the translation to his song, Mi Mancherai, you will understand how it sings Cleveland's heart.

Last, but not least, I have been mulling over 2 favorite poems of mine written by Mary Oliver, published in her book Winter Hours. I was at a Quaker retreat a couple of years ago, and it was given to me then. Earlier this year, I had an experience that led me to believe that at the first snow I would come into an understanding of something, or receive a gift of some sort. On December 26th, that happened for me. I felt like my eyes were opened, and that I saw some things that though they were in front of me for a long time, had remained veiled. I felt the Lord giving me a choice. This poem came to my mind recently, and I felt that even then it had hinted to me of things to come, but not revealed until I made a choice. I know all of that may seem very far fetched and confusing to some of you.  Don't let it bother you.  Enjoy the poem, and the photos by another guest, Rodger Pickett, a man I met, not by chance one day, when he was taking pictures of strangers.

The Swan

by Mary Oliver

Did you too see it, drifting, all night, on the black river?

Did you see it in the morning, rising into the silvery air -

An armful of white blossoms,

A perfect commotion of silk and linen as it leaned

into the bondage of its wings; a snowbank, a bank of lilies,

Biting the air with its black beak?

Did you hear it, fluting and whistling

A shrill dark music - like the rain pelting the trees - like a waterfall

Knifing down the black ledges?

And did you see it, finally, just under the clouds -

A white cross Streaming across the sky, its feet

Like black leaves, its wings Like the stretching light of the river?

And did you feel it, in your heart, how it pertained to everything?

And have you too finally figured out what beauty is for?

And have you changed your life?

The Swan

also by Mary Oliver

Across the wide waters

Something comes floating-a slim

and delicate ship filled with white flowers and it moves

on its miraculous muscles as though time didn’t exist

as though bringing such gifts to the dry shore was a happiness

almost beyond bearing.

And now it turns its dark eyes, it rearranges the clouds of its wings,

it trails an elaborate webbed foot, the color of charcoal.

Soon it will be here.

Oh what shall I do when the poppy-colored beak rests in my hand?

Said Ms. Blake of the Poet:

I miss my husband’s company—he is so often in paradise.

Of course! The path to heaven doesn’t lie down in flat miles.

Its in the imagination with which you perceive this world,

and the gestures with which you honor it.

Oh what will I do, what will I say, when those white wings touch the shore?

Photos by Rodger Pickett

Dwelling in the Inquiry

Photo by Bgrace

I used to think my destination was a place where I would finally have all the answers. 
A place where I could finally rest in the "truth." 
That place would be peace, it would be sanctuary, it would be home.

"One thing I have desired of the Lord.
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord
And to inquire in his temple."
Psalm 27:4

But the Psalmist doesn't seem to describe his resting place this way... 
No, home is not the place where you have all the answers, but the place where you can forever ask.
It's a place where you have found all You need in the presence of the answerer.
Home is the place where we rest in the asking.

Communion with God and communication with God, however intimately connected, are not the same thing.  When our communication with God (IE. getting answers), becomes more important to us than our communion, we lose our ability to rest in Him. The rest in communion is the context necessary for intimate communication to take place.  It is then and there we can ask, and where He does answer. 
Though His answers are most often doorways to even greater questions.

You know it when you feel it.

I suppose it's all about light, and color, and texture, timing and a lot of other things that I should know more about than I do. 
I took about 300 pics today of Em's first riding lesson. 
After all was said and done, it was the photo of Em with the cat I loved most.  I could stare at her face all day.  It has nothing to do with her expression and everything to do with her face.
Hmmmm...

What is it that captivates us?
It's essence is elusive and yet undeniable real. 
And yet I know this picture may hold very little attraction to anyone else.
Nonetheless, when you find it, when you feel it--what captivates you,
it becomes the favorite photo in the album
the only fish in the sea
the pearl of greatest price.

I wonder how many we get in a lifetime.

Swazi Blog

Hey all...

I promised when we got the Swazi Blog up I would put a link here for you. 
http://nhc-swaziland.blogspot.com/
It's just in it's beginning stages, so stay tuned for more posts. 
One more thing...it's time to build Sheila a house...but we're going to need a lot of help. 
More information on that soon to come.
B

A Different Kind of Man

Photo by Bgrace
Cornell University Chapel

 ⁵ When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. ⁶ “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.”

 ⁷ Jesus said to him, “Shall I come and heal him?”

 ⁸ The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. ⁹ For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”

 ¹⁰ When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, “Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. ¹¹ I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. ¹² But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

 ¹³ Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would.” And his servant was healed at that moment.  Matthew 8:5-13 (New International Version, ©2010)

This story has been turning itself around in my mind recently.  I love this encounter because it surprises us and even amazes Jesus, a fact which is a curiosity in its own right.  Jesus often interacts with people who do not play as we expect them to.  In the revealing of their hearts, He exposes ours. I find myself sitting back with a bit of wonder in my chest...not only for the honorable Centurion, but at the jadedness of my own heart which made it so difficult for me to believe that such a man could have eyes to see. 

The Centurion was a Roman, a Gentile, a man of some power, wealth, and authority. He is not someone we expect to care so much about his servant.  He is not someone we would expect to come to Jesus and ask rather than coerce or order.  He is not someone we would expect to turn Jesus' offer down to come to his house on the grounds of unworthiness.  We are most surprised because he is not someone we expect to have divine insight.   

The Centurion had the ability to see, to discern truth that others, even followers of Jesus, could not even begin to grasp.  He understood Roman authority and was given insight to understand that Jesus had spiritual authority. 

Jesus response to him is to honor his faith, by healing his servant and raising him up in stature above even His own people. "I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith."

As for me, I am learning that things are not always as they seem.  Just when I think that I have a leg up on divine insight into a situation, God surprises me by saying, "Actually, B, you're the last one to get it.  This one's been waiting for you for a long time."  

And yet, it's a good thing.  I'm laughing at it all and full of joy and glad I follow a God who doesn't mind surprising us...or even being surprised.   

What Wondrous Love is This

 Photo by Bgrace

As I was preparing to share this teaching on Communion, there was a song that was running through my mind as I thought about what I should say.  It's an old hymn that I've always been fond of.

What wondrous love is this oh my soul oh my soul?
What wondrous love is this oh my soul?
What wondrous love is this that caused the Lord of bliss to bear the dreadful curse oh my soul oh my soul
To bear the dreadful curse oh my soul.

On the night He was betrayed, there were a lot things on Jesus' mind. 
In his gospel, Matthew (26) tells us Jesus knew that night, that He would be betrayed by one of His chosen ones and later crucified. 
Mark (14) tells us Jesus knew that the reason he had been anointed with perfume was for his burial. 
He knew that a man carrying a pitcher of water would help his disciples to set up for the Passover Meal.
He tells us Jesus knew that when when He, the Shepherd, was struck his sheep, the disciples, would scatter, and He would be deserted. 
He knew, that Peter would not only desert Him, but instead of dying for Him as Peter had promised, he would deny he ever knew Jesus.
Jesus knew that He would be raised again, and as John so beautifully lays out for us, Jesus knew that He would be going to his Father. 
There were a lot of things Jesus knew about the circumstances going on about Him. 

On the night he was betrayed, we know that His disciples gathered around Him to celebrate the passover meal.  All of them, the betrayer, the deserters, the denier, the doubter, sat at the table with Him.
And Jesus--knowing what was ahead of him that night, knowing how they were going to respond to the events of the next three days--Jesus has this moment--this opportunity to speak to them.

And this is what He says to them,  (I quote from Luke 22)
"I have looked forward to this hour with deep longing, anxious to eat this Passover meal with you."

On the night He was betrayed, deserted and denied, what Jesus had on his mind was Communion.

What wondrous love is this:

That night, Jesus took the bread into his hands and broke it, and gave it to Peter, and He said,
"This is my body, which is given/broken for you, Do this in remembrance of me.
Communion.

Then he looked at John, the disciple to whom He would soon entrust with the care of Mary, and He said,
"John this cup is the new covenant between God and you, sealed by the shedding of my blood.  Do this in remembrance of me as often as you drink it."
Communion. 

What wondrous love is this?

Paul describes it for us in Romans: 
"You see, at just the right time, while (they) we were sinners, Christ died for the ungodly.  Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this, while we were still sinners Christ died for us.  (Romans 5:6-8)


We as a body of believers in Jesus Christ: followers, disciples, mothers and fathers, employers and employees,  betrayers, deserters, deniers, and new year resolution breakers come to the table with the Lord Jesus this morning. 
On this morning, He has some words for us. 
He says, 
"I have been looking forward to this hour with deep longing, anxious to eat the Passover Meal with you."

He has been looking forward to Communion with us. 

He looks at me, and He looks at you and He knows what is in our hearts, He knows where our footsteps will take us this year, He knows what great assignments He will entrust us with, He know when we will doubt Him, and even the moments we may desert Him, the times we might be tempted to deny Him.
On this morning, He has communion on His mind.

He breaks the bread and holds it out to us and says, This is my body that has been broken for you, eat this meal,drink this cup, remembering me. Remembering MY sacrifice has sealed our covenant, our communion.

What wondrous love is this. 

Spoken in preparation for Communion at New Hope Church

1-2-11

Son of a Seagull

Pretty Sure This is Gabriel

Photo by Bgrace

Have you ever been surprised by nature?
More than awed or enamored, I mean, what you never thought was possible until you witnessed it yourself, saw it with your own eyes and kept blinking just to make sure you weren't dreaming surprised?

What if I told you that a seagull can kill a shark?
Not possible, right?
I didn't think so.

(Big sigh.) I love the beach. Everything about it. The sun, the sea, the sand, the rocks, the creatures, the smells and the sounds. Now that I have three kids, going to the beach is a lot different than it used to be for me, but I have this one routine I always try to keep. When everyone else is still sleeping, I slip out and make my way to the shore every morning to catch the sunrise. I've loved doing this for as long as I can remember. If I'm in Jersey, I head over to Brown's on the boardwalk and get a couple donuts hot out of the fryer (honey-dipped are the best). Then I make my way to the beach. Sometimes I sit and wait. Sometimes I roll up my jeans and walk along the edge of the water.

This one morning I was walking and wrestling with God in my spirit. It had been a really weird night. I was experiencing things in my relationship with God that I didn't understand. I had never known God in this way and I wasn't sure I wanted to. The more I prayed for clarity the weirder things got. So I took my confusion to the waves and felt the numbing cold on my feet distract me from the chaos inside.

It was then I saw the seagull hovering low over the water about three feet out from me. At first I was enchanted, "Oh--I'm gonna get to see him catch a fish right in front of me." I'd never seen anything like that. The seagull started this ferocious attack on the fish just under the surface of the water. It was a pretty big fish, as big as the seagull in fact. Then, I realized it wasn't exactly a fish. It was a shark. A baby shark, but a shark no less. I stood there paralyzed. It was the most amazing thing. The seagull couldn't pick up the shark, because it was too heavy, but its beak was strong enough to keep it confined and wound it severely. It had enough strength to move the shark in the tide's current to the shore about 4 feet to my left. The shark shuddered a couple times while the seagull pecked it to death and then finally gave up its ghost.

Now there were a couple of things going through my head. First, I have to admit in the dark recesses of my mind was the small concern..."Where's mommy?" So I stepped a little further out of the water...OK, all the way out of the water. Then I kept thinking, "Am I really seeing this? This is a bit unusual, isn't it?"

Curiosity got the best of me and I started to move ever so slowly toward the seagull standing guard over his shark. Ha! That seagull was staring straight at me, and every time I moved any closer toward the shark he tugged him that much further away from me.

We played this game for a few minutes and then this awareness came over me. I had one of those moments where you become more aware of the spiritual realm than the physical reality. I had this sense of God's presence around me and I realized that He was speaking to me and that He was very present with me.

I had been asking Him all night...is this You? I need to know this is You.
You as in the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob You.
You as in Father, Son, Spirit You.
You as in when I pray, you're the One answering...right?

In that moment the sun peeked its peach rays up over the horizon and the sea turned to diamonds. It was breathtaking. No matter how many times I see the sun glorify the water, it still has that effect on me. And I knew God was with me. Knew as in having a deep awareness of.
I don't know how I knew, but I didn't have to keep blinking to check if I was dreaming.

As I soaked in the horizon, I started to listen to some music and a song began to play that I didn't remember hearing before, at least it felt like the first time...and it was singing to me. It's by Hillsong, and these are the words:

Rest in You
Your faithfullness endures always
Where mountains fall and reason fails
And You calm the raging seas
And You calm the storms in me, again
All I know is I find rest in You
All I know is I find rest in You
My heart will praise throughout the night
Where singing seems a sacrifice
Your grace is all I need
Your grace is all I need

I still don't know what all God was saying to me then. At least not in words. Since that day I've always associated seagulls with angels, heavenly guardians, and I'm always moved when I see them in unlikely places...but that could just be the romantic in me.

Yet, I was thinking about this experience the other day and I take this lesson from it. There is so much that I am tempted to take for granted as truth. Things I say that I know it to be true. That something can or can't be because I have these parameters in my head of what defines it. If you had asked me before my experience if sharks could be killed by a seagull--I would have said of course not--that's just stupid. I believed that because in my head I was picturing Scuttle meets Jaws. Maybe something like that could happen in the movies--Disney movies--but not real life. I wasn't picturing the plucky son of a seagull who fished a baby shark out of 18 inches of wave at the edge of the tide before sunrise.

That is the lesson God teaches me again and again--that He is Ruler over all things--seagulls and sunrises, sharks and diamonds. When something doesn't fit my idea of what's possible it could be my parameters that need to be redefined.

I'm learning to trust in the Creator of nature more than my understanding of nature. I'm learning that He protects me from sharks--even when I am unaware, that He answers my wondering with more wonder, and that He is continually breaking down my sense of what is and replacing it with a sense of Who is.
Now if He could just work on keeping the seagulls away from my donuts...

"Trust in the Lord and do good;
Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord;
Trust in Him and He will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
The justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him."
Psalm 37:3-7a

Originally Posted on Deep Calls,
January 29, 2008

First Snow

Photo by Bgrace

Snowflake by Emily and Grace

The first snow brings a new covering

A bright mix of colors

White with gold and cobalt blue

Clear crystals sparkle the world into new

Hope falls softly on ivory statue

Elegantly robed, with golden band

Hidden in gentle shadow from hell's demands

Kept quiet and safe

Until the moment we see it full face

Ice petals form into winter's bouquet

Gracious swans glide and make their way

Through ice and cold and lonely wait

For Father Winter's command

 When it comes,

Will you offer your hand?



Prayer and Supplication

Photo by Bgrace

Room in the Inn



Photo by Bgrace
Annapolis, MD



Fragile

Grace's Fragments

Photo by Bgrace

Fragile

Like the bucket of seashells the girls and I collected

Pearl-white with purple edges, buffed smooth by sand and wave

Pushed beyond the receding tide and left to adorn the shoreline

Porcelain curves revealing their intimate secrets

and untold stories

As the widow’s countenance that broke into smile and tear

At the touch of a hand on her shoulder, the sight of an old friend

Comforted by one as she consoled another in shared grief

Unspoken understanding evoking cherished memories

and unfinished dreams

Like the stained-glass pieces of my faith that stare at me

Sometimes green, sometimes red; broken bits with razor sharp edges

Pieced together into a wordless mosaic of confusion and perception

Dull and tilted shapes awaiting rays of light to permeate their transcendent beauty

and unrevealed glory

Meanwhile

Photo by Bgrace

“Meanwhile, through trusting, you are being protected by God’s power…”

(I Peter 1:5 Jewish New Testament)

Meanwhile.

Easy to skip that word, isn’t it? But it’s very important.

Meanwhile is about now.

Meanwhile is about this time before the “what is to come.”

During this time we do not yet have our inheritance.

During this time we do not yet have the things God has promised us.

During this time we are experiencing trials and persecution.

During this time we are being refined.

During this time before we receive what our trust is aiming at.

During this time before the glorious things which are to follow.

During this time we are becoming holy in our entire way of life.

During this time we are being purified by obeying the truth.

During this time we are learning to love our brothers and sisters deeply with all our heart.

During this time we are learning to take hold of grace and peace in the midst of grief.

(I Peter 1)

Meanwhiles can seem endless. Especially when we are waiting in faith. It’s such an important lesson in life…the learning to wait in faith. Noah waited for the rain. Abraham waited for his son. Israel waited for the Promised Land. David waited for his kingdom. Mary waited to see God’s promises fulfilled through her son.

It is painful to wait in faith. It tests us like nothing else. It makes us desperate. It forces us to seek truth like we have never sought it before. Because the worst possible thing would be to point your life in a particular direction and go through all the agony of waiting and realize in the end it was all for nothing, that it was all a lie. So we seek the truth above and beyond all else.

So, since God is the source of truth it causes us to seek His face with a singular attention. And because the thing that most gets in the way of our ability to understand truth is sin, we seek purity of heart above all else. Because the pure in heart are those who see most clearly. So we seek to be sanctified, and humbled, and emptied of all that keeps us from desiring the will of God to come to pass in our lives and in the lives of those around us. We ask God to show us the truth about His will and we submit our hearts and lives to Him above all else.

Once we have done this groundwork and waited on God, and listened to God, and heard from God, and finally settled on the truth that God has asked us to trust…then comes the time to ask for faith. Faith to believe the truth. And then faith to continue to believe in the truth. “Trusting is being confident of what we hope for, convinced about things we do not see.” (Heb. 11:1 JNT)

The truth we are asked to trust never seems to be as clear as we would like it to be…but then again, if it were, there would be no need for faith.

I’ve found it’s easier to have faith in the truth before the meanwhile. But the meanwhile is where God teaches us the walk of faith. The meanwhile is where God teaches us about His provision and His protection.

“Meanwhile, through trusting, you are being protected by God’s power…”

I’ve had a lot of people, many whom I deeply respect, tell me something that I believe is terribly contradictory to the truth of Scripture. All because they wanted to “help me.”  It took its various shapes and forms, but in the end it all boiled down to this idea:

“Becky, you can’t know for sure where all this stuff is coming from, or what it all means, or if it’s even true, so just move on with your life, and if it happens, it happens. And then you’ll know.” Just the typing out of the words on my computer gives me feeling that I can only describe as an indecision to scream or throw up. (And I’m not being dramatic, that is truly what I am feeling right now.)

Like somehow I’m just supposed to be able not to feel anything about all this.

Or that it’s not a big deal to know if it’s God who is invading my mind, my heart, my body, my circumstances, my past, my present, and my future, or if something extremely evil is screwing with me and pretending to be God…not to mention that God seems to be sitting idly by watching.

Or that it’s a spiritually mature thing to go into a life of denial. A life where I pretend the things that I’ve experienced haven’t happened or that even if they have they don’t matter and it’s not really important to understand them.

Or that life is about what happens at the end instead of a relationship with God in the midst of the journey.

Or that it doesn’t matter if God is who He says He is.

Or that faith and obedience don't have any effect on the outcome of events.

God NEVER speaks to us and expects us to shrug it off as unimportant or inconsequential.

We are NEVER to despise divine revelation.

The Words of God are SACRED (holy, consecrated, full of life, meaning, purpose and power) regardless of the form they come to us in.

But how do we know they are from God? The safeguard that we have is that God tells us that when we seek Him--truly seek Him and not ourselves--He will guide us. He will lead us. He will speak to us. He will give us wisdom. He will make a way. He will provide for us.

I believe this is true. Not just in some general principle sort of way, but personally, intimately, experientially TRUE.

How do we know what He means? This is an important question. We must continue to seek clarity from Him with a humble heart. To be willing to stand in faith knowing we see through a glass darkly. We seek to receive a more clear understanding of His revelation as He chooses to give it, knowing we can go no further than His revelation because we don’t have all the pieces yet. We follow a lamplight more often than a spotlight. (That’s paraphrased from Amy C.)

He will give us our manna for every day. But manna is no good if we don’t eat it today: if we don’t take it into our beings and feed on it and allow it to manifest its power within us to give us sustenance and life. And we need new manna every day. Its about trusting the Provider above the provision.

So please, don’t tell me not to listen when He speaks, or look when He shows me signs, or trust when He reveals His ways, and His plans, and His will. Don’t tell me that coming to a submission and an acceptance of His will even when it seems extraordinarily difficult to comprehend makes me less than human. You cannot judge my journey until you’ve walked in my shoes. With God’s Words often comes an experience of His Word. (Read Jeremiah if you want to understand that better.) It is not for you to parse out the purity of my heart.

Please don’t put shadow in the light that God shines on my spirit for my present journey through the living, breathing historical Scriptures. Because if you do that, you are undermining God’s work in my life. You are becoming an obstacle to my walking in His will, and you are not helping me. You are taking away from His power to keep me alive. You are damning me to a life of desperation, confusion, and hopelessness. Most significantly, you are asking me NOT to become a woman of great faith. A woman who cares enough about the truth to want to become holy enough to see it. A woman who is willing to follow God at any cost--even at the cost of being labeled a lunatic, or worse, a heretic.

“…through trusting, you are being protected, by God’s power…”

I’m learning to trust that God gives me the capacity to hear Him.

I’m learning to trust that God speaks to me.

I’m learning that when He speaks it is important for me to pay attention.

I’m learning I must believe that He means what He says.

I’m learning to trust that He’s not playing games with my heart.

I’m learning it doesn’t have to make sense to everyone else.

I’m learning to trust during the meanwhile.

Here’s the thing--my ability to do that rests largely on my willingness to trust the manna He gives me every day. My survival is dependent on it. The words He gives me each day they are life and light and the power to become.

So don’t tell me it’s not important to come to a God-fearing understanding about the nature of my experiences.

Don’t tell me it’s not important for me to stand in belief.

Stop undermining the work of the Spirit of God in my life.

It is through listening and trusting that I am reassured, that I am protected, that I can live without fear, without desperation, without hopelessness.

Perhaps you think my words are too strong. But I am reminded that the man who writes I Peter is the man to whom Jesus said, “Get thee behind me, Satan,” when he tried to protect Jesus from God’s call. So I speak in the spirit of a humbled Peter and in the spirit of the dying Christ. I've had so much untruth spoken to me about my journey. And this post is about my need to speak the truth--it doesn't even matter if anyone is listening. I just needed to own it and dissolve the power of the lies spoken over me.

Though my words may be strong, they come from a heart of love.

“Grace and shalom be yours in full measure.” (I Peter 1:2 JNT)

Now, if you're listening, you can read I Peter 3 (NAS).

And then there was Grace...

Grace Ashley
Photo by Bgrace

By Violence Intending (Repost for a Friend)




(Mary) Snowed Under
Photo by Bgrace Dec. 2009

 

"You must have often wondered why the enemy (God) does not make more use of his power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree he chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the irresistible and the indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of his scheme forbids him to use. Merely to over-ride a human will (as his felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For his ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve...Sooner or later he withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish...He cannot "tempt" to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away his hand...Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

Uncle Screwtape

C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

(As found in the preface to The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard)

"To the soul, God is the kingdom of heaven; hence, when she withdraws from all things and adheres only to God, she attains God by violence. For God cannot withhold Himself; He must give Himself to her, since it is His nature to communicate Himself to the soul that is ready to receive Him. Now all things are equal to a free soul—pain or pleasure, slander or praise, poverty or wealth, weal or woe, friend or foe. A free soul never permits herself to be drawn away by anything that might keep her apart from God or mediate between herself and God, as St. Paul says: “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?” All things then tend to aid her towards God; she presses on through all obstacles towards her origin."

The Book of the Poor in Spirit, by A Friend of God

I'm writing again.

Whenever I write about the fact that I'm writing, its a good sign that so many things are coming together in my mind that I'm overwhelmed by all my experiences, my thoughts and the thoughts of others that I'm reading. I'm trying to understand God, myself, and others in light of it all. And its coming together in a way that I can feel it before I clearly see it. I can't quite capture it all or put it into words but here are some of the pieces:

I'm writing about what it means to be poor in spirit.

I'm writing about the violence our souls must go through in order to become so attached to God that we become detached from everything else.

I'm writing about what it looks like to stop loving others for all reasons that have to do with ourselves, and to allow Him to birth in us a love of others for the sake of God.

I'm writing about what it looks like to stop loving God for all reasons that have to do with ourselves, and to allow Him to birth in us a love of God for the sake of God.

I'm writing about a yieldedness that is the path to freedom.

I'm writing about the beauty of the heavenly kingdom and the blessedness of those who live in it.

And I'm writing about the hope that one day, it will be fully mine.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Matthew 11:12

This piece was originally posted on Bgrace in October, 2008 

The Annunciation

Becky & H.D. Tanner's The Annunciation

Photo by Matt August 2010

The bright light on the left side of the painting was the first thing that caught my eye as I entered the room. Something hinted of the divine in it. I walked over for a closer look and then, I saw her. She sat on her bed, the look on her face was priceless. H.D. Tanner had nailed it.

I had taken the train into Philly. I love to ride trains. I’m thinking about taking a train all the way to Seattle, but Matt says that’s crazy. (Crazy never stopped me before.) I love the rhythm, the swaying, and seeing a view of the countryside you don’t get from the highway. Every once in a while I get to take a field trip by myself, and living in walking distance from the unmanned train station in Elizabethtown gives me lots of options. This day, my destination was The Philadelphia Museum of Art. I had everything I needed in my backpack—camera, journal, bible, pencil and sharpener, mp3 player, snack, and a little cash. The sun was shining for the first time in days and I was in love with the moment.

I didn’t really have much of a plan. I’m not much into plans right now. I did know the museum was in walking distance from the Amtrak station, and as they say in Brazil, quem tem boca vai a Roma. It means whoever has a mouth gets to Rome. (Which means if you can talk you can find your way anywhere.) So I made my way with a bit of help. I LOVE cities. Have I ever mentioned that? The sights, the smells, the colors, the people--so many stories happening in front of you at every moment...

I decided to wander around the museum and take it all in. It was only about 20 minutes into my wanderings that I saw L’Annunciation. I stayed with it for a little while, but knew I needed more. Henri Nouwen wrote The Return of the Prodigal Son after he had spent hours reflecting on Rembrant’s painting. I thought if I spent one hour with Tanner's painting I might come away with a decent journal entry at the very least. So I walked the rest of the museum, had a bite to eat, and came back.

There was a bench directly before the painting, so I sat down (thankfully the museum was fairly empty that day) and pulled out journal, pencil, and Bible.  I turned to Luke 1:26-38 and soaked it in a bit. Then I looked at Mary. I was mesmerized by her face. It was, as the NLT says, “confused and disturbed.” Yet her posture looked receptive, submissive—like she was agreeing to bear a great burden. Or was it, as the angel said, a blessing? It all seemed so bizarre and yet undeniably real. She seemed to me like she was trying to get her bearings…desperately wanting to be obedient to God and yet incredibly disoriented. “Favored woman…you will conceive and give birth to a son…the Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David.”

Can you imagine the honor of receiving such words from God? She must have struggled to grasp their meaning, to feel the deep blessing of such words, to receive them in truth without pride or false humility creeping in. The next moment she must have realized that she couldn't possibly tell others what she had heard--the act of telling would render her unbelievable. The great spiritual blessing which would open up in her physical body would also bring great trial and suffering. But in the midst of all this there was this comfort. “The Lord is with you.” There was the promise of Emanuel.

I have many thoughts about Mary, but this is what spoke loudest to me through my time with L’Annunciation. Elizabeth says it best. “Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.”  It doesn’t say Mary was blessed because she consulted the priest, her parents, her psychologist, or Joseph. It doesn’t say Mary asked for further proof so that she would know it was God and not Satan masquerading as God trying to trick her. It doesn’t say Mary was blessed because she figured out how it was all going to work out, and since it made sense…she believed.

Mary said, “May it be to me as you have said.” Not passivity--meekness. It would take great strength and great humility to walk this path placed before her. And in every way, God went before her to make His word come to pass. He gave her a haven in Elizabeth. He showed up to Joseph. He guided every step of Jesus birth to align with the prophecies that had been spoken.

But how? Did God orchestrate everyone’s choices and responses ahead of time, or did He work along with human decision to bring about His will through their human decisions or even despite them? I don’t know. I have more questions than answers.

I know this--the angel said something really important. “Nothing is impossible with God.” It’s important in this particular situation, but it is also a connection to another woman who was promised a child. Her name was Sarah. “Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son.” (Gen.18:14)

I think the angel is reminding Mary, what God did for Sarah, He will do for you.
I packed up my belongings and headed outside to see Joan of Arc riding to victory on her horse in the middle of a busy intersection of Philadelphia streets. Another girl who believed nothing was impossible with God. Her greatest victory was her death. I wonder what mine will be.

Originally Posted on Deep Calls
June 23, 2008