40 Day Vegan (Day 3)

Potato, Green Bean and Sun dried Tomato Roast
By Bgrace

Breakfast and lunch ended up being three cups of coffee, a small bag of potato chips, and a handful of gorp.  I also had a few bites of raisin bread with vegan butter.  Enough that I wasn't hungry until dinner.  I didn't feel like fussing too much, and since I needed to use up the rest of the green beans, I found 4 potatoes and a half a jar of sun dried tomatoes and made this combination.  It's really good.  Passed the Matt test. 

The key here is to take the oil the tomatoes are packed in and generously drizzle it over the raw sliced potatoes, green beans and chopped sun dried tomatoes.  Dig your hands in and toss it really well.  Put it on a cookie sheet and add kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper.  Bake uncovered at 400 for about 40 minutes, or until the potatoes are just tender.  I didn't squeeze lemon juice over it right before I served it, but that would have made it even better.  I ate this at room temperature, but you could eat it warm or cold. 

Since I knew I would be up studying and my sweet tooth would be calling, I pulled some blueberries and cherries out of the freezer.  It was supposed to be a crisp...but I was a little suspicious about the topping...should have listened to my gut.  The topping just sort of melted into the blueberries and cherries.  It was still really yummy, but I was glad I wasn't serving it for company. 

Recipe:
4 Cups berries, 1 Cup sugar, 6 Tablespoons flour.  Let it thicken, just to a boil.
Topping is 1/3 Cup Vegan butter (first time I tried it in a crisp, I usually use canola oil), Heaping Cup Sugar and Almost a cup of flour.  Berries fit nicely in a round cake pan, add topping, bake at 350 for 40 min.  

Next time, I'll try the crisp with a topping of oats, brown sugar (which I was out of), and flour and the vegan butter. 

40 Day Vegan (Day 2)

Garlic and Chile Rice Soup with Spring Greens
(From Easy Vegan cookbook)
Photo and Food by Bgrace

Photo by Bgrace

This morning I had coffee and rye toast for breakfast.  Wasn't that hungry.  In my coffee I use a good helping of good old fashioned sugar and Silk  soy creamer.  It's really good. 

Sarah and I had pickles for a snack.  (She also had strawberry milk...yes, at the same time.) 

I usually eat a late lunch.  Today it was leftover soup.  Really good recipe.  After I took the pic I remembered to stick in tortilla chips and a handful of fresh cilantro over top.  It is much prettier that way...oh well, guess you will have to make it yourself to see. :-)  This is a tasty soup with an Asian flavor...It's basically garlic, ginger, soy sauce, veggie broth, green onions, rice, hot pepper and spring greens (I used spinach.)  Next time I will use half a hot pepper because this makes me cry when I eat it.  But seriously good for killing sinus problems.  I usually throw a salad together with whatever is in the fridge.  Today I used Zesty Italian dressing.

For dessert this is seriously good/good for you gorp.  I carry it to school sometimes.  Drank water...not nearly enough.  (Trigger Point Therapy class tonight.)

I was starving by the time I got home from school, so I did something you really shouldn't do...make yourself spaghetti at 10 PM.  It was so good.  Capellini with olive oil, salt and pepper, and  Diablo sauce (Giant's Simply Enjoy is my favorite.)  Topping it off with a glass of sangria.
'Night.

40 Day Vegan, Day 1 Recap



Rice and Beans
Photo by Bgrace

Here is a photo of yesterday's meal.  Rice and beans, Brazilian style, with green beans, vinagrete, rye bread and pineapple juice. 

To make rice:  Heat olive oil in pan (enough to coat)  stir fry rice until golden.  Pour boiling water over rice (Less than they say.  I usually do 5 cups water for 3 cups rice.) Add good amount of Kosher/sea salt to water and minced garlic (about a teaspoon).  Best rice you will ever have. 

Beans: sometimes I open a can, but if you want to do it right, soak beans overnight or for at least 6 hours.  Drain water and put in crockpot.  Add enough water to cover (by a couple inches and add more as needed.)  Throw in chopped garlic cloves (2-3) a few slices of bell pepper (red is best) a teaspoon of cumin if you have it, a bay leaf, kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper.  It will be fantastic in about 5 hours.  Serve over rice.  (Later, you can blend the leftovers up and use it in all sorts of things, like a tortilla or pita with veggies.)

Vinagrete: Chop up about twice as much tomato and pepper as onion.  (I like the purple color of red onions.)  (About 2 tomatoes, 2 peppers, and 1/2 an onion.)  Add 1/4 cup white vinegar and 2 Tablespoons olive oil. Let it sit at room temperature for at least 2 hours, 3 is better.  The O &V will react with the veggies and do amazing things.  Stir it up and make sure the juices are well distributed about every hour.  Right before serving (at room temp) add salt and pepper to taste.  Brazilians actually use this over steak.  It is AMAZING.  But over rice it is fantastic too.  (Even without beans.)  My kids even love it.

Green Beans:  I know this may seem silly, but seriously, I think green beans taste fantastic cut this way.  Simmer until bright green in highly salted water.  Don't overcook. 

Bread: This is rye, store bought.  No eggs or milk.  The butter is vegan--Earth Balance.  Really good.

Rest of Day 1 Vegan Food Journal Log:
I drank water but not enough.  Ate swedish fish at school (which isn't exactly cheating (not meat or dairy) but not exactly a vegetable either.)  When I got home Grace snuck downstairs for a late night snack with me.  I warmed up corn tortilla chips and pulled out a couple premade salsas and an eggplant humus (babaganoush) out of the fridge to dip them in...and had a glass of sangria, which I did not share.  :-)

40 Day Vegan

Brazilian Vinagrete
Photo (and food) by Bgrace


I've been thinking about doing this for a while...

I thought I would do a 40 day vegan journal. 
What I eat, what I make, what I eat when I'd rather cheat.  The recipes I'm trying: the good and the bad, the products I've found that I like and some recipes and photos.  I will TRY to post daily, but we all know how that goes.  And rather than doing a whole NOTHER blog, I'll try this here with other blog material interspersed. 

This morning I did not have a normal start...Em had an orthodontist emergency...so when I got there, I had coffee with sugar...no cream since they didn't have non-dairy.  Took the girls out for a quick breakfast before we headed over to the dentist (since Em's problem is early molars.)
Went to Gus's.  Not very vegan friendly.  BUT they did have raisin toast with no egg or dairy in it, so I had it with peanut butter and I opted for mint tea instead of black coffee again. 
I had a crazy day...didn't stop until 3:30...so by the time I had lunch I was STARVING.  Lucky me, I had leftovers in the fridge.  Brazilian food.  I had made beans and rice and vinagrete and green beans yesterday.  That with a little pineapple juice and rye toast was a fantastic feast. 
I'll post some more pics, an explanation, and recipes later...but I am late for school!

(though, of course, the servants knew)

Photo by Bgrace

"When the master of ceremonies tasted the water that was now wine, not knowing where it had come from (though, of course, the servants knew), he called the bridegroom over. "Usually a host serves the best wine first," he said. "Then, when everyone is full and doesn't care, he brings out the less expensive wines.  But you have kept the best until now!" 

John 2:9-10 NLT

Em and I are going through the book of John together in the mornings before school.  Today we learned about the Wedding at Cana.  I was trying to explain that the jars Jesus asked the servants to fill were way bigger than the flannelgraph piece made them look.  I explained there were 6 enormous jars that could hold about 20 to 30 jugs (like we buy of milk) each.  Anywhere from 160-180 jugs of water. 

Jesus had turned to the servants and asked them to take jars to the commercial grade kitchen sink, fill them, put them in the back of their catering vehicle and drive them back over to the place where they were serving...

Not exactly.

Jesus told the servants, "Fill the jars with water."

Where?  At the well?  The village well?

I'm guessing there's a whole lot of backstory here we don't see. 

180 gallons

Did he have any idea what was involved with all of that...and there was a wedding going on!

Why did He have to give them even more work to do? 

They must have felt every drop of that water they poured into those jugs.  They felt it hot on the sweat of their brow, strained in each of their arm muscles, and in the soreness of their back.  They were going to remember this water all night...and think of Him with every ache.

180 gallons

Then, he tells them to dip the cup in the jugs and take WATER to the Master of Ceremonies. 

What...so they can be the bearer of bad news?

Kill the messenger...is that his game?

Hold on a second...what did the Master of Ceremonies just say...the best wine saved for last?  What was going on here?  What just happened?  Could it be...?  It must be a trick.  But how?  They had painstakingly poured every drop of those 180 gallons of water into those jars.  By hand.  By their very own hands. 

They had been the ones to dip the cup in, take it from those very jars to the Master of Ceremonies.  There couldn't be any trick involved.  Their hands had seen to every drop of that water.  Was the Master of Ceremonies in on it?  But everyone else started enjoying the wine.  And there it was...dripping sticky and sweet on their fingers as they ladeled it out fast...the guests just couldn't get enough of this stuff. 

No one else was aware of what had just happened...probably no one would believe it.

But, of course, the servants knew.

It strikes me that the story of Jesus' first miracle shows the truth that Jesus talked about his entire ministry.

"But many who seem to be important now will be the least important then, and those who are considered least here will be the greatest then." Matt. 19:30

"And so it is, that many who are first now will be last then; and those who are last now will be first then."  Matt. 20:16

I wonder at what point the servants realized that Jesus hadn't used them.

That instead he had given them the opportunity to be used.

Perhaps it was simply a matter of perspective.

Perhaps it was a matter of faith.

Is it possible to see the sacredness of our service this side of the veil?

Every once in a while, we get to serve a miracle. 

Every once in a while, we find our toiled-for water has been turned to wine.

Every once in a while, we can see that it is worth our while.

God...give us faith for all the other days.

Grass

I'm reading Amy Carmichael again.  The book is called Whispers of His Power...one of her daily devotionals.

Mark 6:39 "And he commanded them to make all sit down by companies upon the green grass."

Psalm 23:2 "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures."

"Before He can feed us we too must sit down." Amy C

To be quiet.

To listen.

To be taught.

To rest in Him.

So does the grass patch have to be green?

Mine has flowers...

Photo by Bgrace

And giraffes...

Photo by Bgrace

And palm trees (I'd be looking up at this one from a hammock)...

 And some combination of sea, gulls, and sailboats (there is one way off in the distance)...

Photo by Bgrace

What does your grass patch look like?

Here is the link to Sunday's Sermon:
http://www.anewhope.org/443006.ihtml

Where the Water Shallows

Photo by Bgrace

I met a new friend at school.  Yesterday was his last day. We became pals when we were lobbed into a discussion about massage therapy for people with HIV/AIDs.  I ended up having a bit of an epiphany because the thought crossed my mind that women who have come out of trafficking are at high risk for the disease. Many of them have been touched in horrific ways, and the idea of healing through positive touch was circling around in my head.  J was sort of watching this progression cross my face and raised a curl at me. (Seriously, you have to see this head of hair!)

I explained and through the conversation I found out he had received his Bachelors in Phsyc and was wanting to incorporate massage therapy into his toolbox (a bit like me) before going on to work on his Psy D. somewhere out west.  J shared with me that he had been a youth pastor a few summers before and so our conversation was comfortable including the Spiritual as well. 
I shared my blog with him and he brought in some of his writings for me to read.  While I was reading a piece he wrote about a "conversation" he had with his mom another pal from class looked over my shoulder and started to read, too.  She asked him if it was a real conversation. 
I loved his response.  He looked at her quite seriously and said, "It was real to me." 
I have one of those pieces.  I'll post it at the end. 
In the conversation with his mom, he wrote this phrase that I love and I have been turning it over in my head ever since.  I have already warned him that I am going to hijack it at some point.

Where the water shallows...

It is about coming to an understanding of things

About being able to see more clearly

About a place where that can happen

And also about time, about the when. 

I remembered some pictures I took at Carol's Cabin in May. 
I knew they were important when I took them, but now I know what they mean.

Where the water shallows, you can hold the earth, the water, and the sky in the palm of your hand in one courageous scoop. 

To write about those moments takes sheer fearlessness. 
Thanks for writing about yours J.
And for sharing...

Photo by Bgrace

Grace's Love

"He never loved me. I've known that."

She spoke quietly with a gentleness that seemed like it should be out of place and yet somehow, it wasn't.

"He loved my love for him."

Slowly her head moved from left to right and back again and her eyes closed against the words,

"It is not the same."
"Love, real love, withstands the demands of sacrifice."

"We don't all forge that kind of love, we're not all tested the same.
If love is true, when given the choice, it always determines to bleed."

"Love embraces the darkness in another. It does not excuse or explain away or keep it's eyes half-closed against corruption. It opens it's eyes wide, takes the whole landscape into view, then leans the force of it's wholeness into brokenness, chasing away the darkness with the light of it's goodness. It doesn't expect that which it is unwilling to give."

"Who wouldn't want to be loved like that?" My voice cracked as the beauty of her explanation caught in my throat.

She looked at me then, and saw my sorry eyes.
She smiled an old smile.

"Don't be sad for me my dear," she spoke intensely, "Don't you dare think I've lost."

"What is better? To be the object of whimsy and poetry and vapor? Or to know you carry in your being the capacity to love beyond yourself, beyond your own blood and your very own breath?"

She quieted then and I saw her chin rise just an inch in defiance.

"I will choose to love every time. It is how I become like the One who loves me most," she whispered carefully and clearly, though it didn't seem like she was speaking to me.

I pulled the blanket up over her frail shoulders, tucking them under her chin. I leaned my forehead lightly onto the side of her head and spoke quietly into her ear, "I love you Grandma Grace."

I hesitated, "At least, I hope I would, if I had the chance to."

Her chest rose and fell and her breathing deepened. I would have liked to hear more, but she was already resting...deeply resting.

Patterns

Have I mentioned that I love stained glass? A few falls back Matt and I took a trip to New York for our anniversary.  I also love fleur de lis.  It's a symbol that has become significant to me. I thought perhaps I would be able to find a glass or stained glass fleur de lis to bring home.

On Sunday afternoon, we had a little after going to Watkins Glen, so we found some shops in Corning and did some browsing. We stopped at a glass shop where they made the glass on the premises. It was fascinating to watch, but I couldn't find any fleur de lis.

Sunday evening we went out to this amazing restaurant called Suzanne's.  We drove 40 miles up the lake in time for the sunset before dinner. We watched on the porch for a while before going in, and I was able to appreciate that God blessed me with a different sort of gift. I walked in the door and looked to the left, and the lone stained glass window met me in the foyer. It just felt like such a special gift to me, a sign that God was ordering my steps toward blessing.  

Well, I was hopeful after seeing it that I might find some the next day, but when we got to the Corning Glass Museum, we were met at the door with the bad news that a transformer had blown and the Museum might be closed the rest of the day. I was bummed. We had planned to go to Ithaca for Matt to see the National Geological Museum there. That meant we wouldn't have time to come back--even to shop. I was tempted to be upset, but in the back of my mind I just had this sense that God had something up His sleeve. We made our way to the museum, which was fairly small, so we went through it pretty quickly.
Afterwards, we had time for lunch. We happened upon the perfect place. Jean had mentioned that if we had a chance to get to Cornell that the grounds were beautiful. The weather was so nice I asked Matt if we could go so I could take some pictures. I found a couple religious buildings with some stained glass and took some pictures, but the glass wasn't very exciting. We were getting ready to pack up and Matt suggested we go see the clock tower. But just as we were nearing it we saw another chapel, with beautiful glass. We walked in and it truly took my breath away.

I started taking some pictures.
 We were all alone in the chapel for about two minutes, until a young man walked in, sat down at the organ and began to play. I'm guessing it was his practice time. The pipes lined the entire back wall of the chapel and we were serenaded with beautiful sacred music during our entire visit.

I walked to front of the chapel and looked at the floor...

And I looked at the ceiling...

I looked all around me and saw these incredibly intricate tile creations. People, patterns and symbols were brought to life all along the front of the sanctuary. It was truly breathtaking.

Photo by Matt

I read a quote on a sign at a store where we were browsing that said, "Life is not measured by the moments that we breathe but by the moments that take our breath away." This was certainly one of them.

(Edited and reposted from 3 Novembers ago.)

Snapshots

Singing in the Rain

 Today we had a few downpours.  The girls took full advantage of rain with no lightning.  I used to do that.  Pretty sure I had about as much fun as Sarah.  Not sure I had such cute boots, though.
(Got my own pair now though).  I took this photo through a wet screened window into the rain.  Thought about touching it up, but you know what...I kind of like the blurr.  Feels more like dancing in the rain.

Puppy Love

This is D's new puppy, River.  Isn't it the perfect name?  He's got gumption, let me tell ya.  And likes to chew.
We stopped in to welcome them.  I got a bit attached.

Happy Birthday Mom

And last but not least...here's Mom.  For her Birthday we got her the latest model steam iron.
Happy Birthday Mom.  Love you.
B

Always a Gift

Sarah at 3 weeks
Photo by Keith

Can't remember where now, but a few weeks ago I was reading about how we are made to be given away.  God creates us as a gift to give away--to humanity, to the world--for His purposes.  And when we see the beauty of the gift that we are, and the blessing it is to have a purpose, to have meaning...we understand how blessed it is to be given. 

"Unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given...."

Life is always a gift.  Babies are always a gift.

Even if we didn't exactly choose the gift?
Yes.

Even when the mother is unwed?
Yep.

Even if the marriage is falling apart?
Yeah, even then.

Even when the life of the womb bearer is in jeopardy?
Hmmmm, even so.

It strikes me that these questions are hard to answer because the question we are really asking is this...
Is the child a gift to the mother, to the father? 

The answer may or may not be yes, but ultimately, that's missing the point. 

Though  a part of my mother's purpose was to birth me into this world, the purpose of my life is not wrapped up in my mother, though I love her dearly and am grateful for her part in my becoming.  Being her daughter has certainly been a part of what I was purposed for, but the purpose of my life far surpasses her.  The purpose of the life of my children far surpasses me.  I am but a steward of it for a time.  Isn't that the beauty of it? 

I am a gift from God to the world.

My children are a gift from God to the world. 

And isn't bringing a gift from God into the world worth living for, and maybe even dying for? 

A gift that gives beyond us. 

I think about all the babies in Swazi.  I think about the fact that most of their Mom's will never see their babies' purpose. Yet the possibilities are pregnant. They are gifts from God waiting to be given away.  Who will be the steward of those gifts?

I think about the once abandoned child who has a new home.  And I wonder if they know, in the midst of all the upheaval, how important his call is.  How much more important he is than they can see right now.  When the time comes, will they love him enough to let him go?

I think about my girls, and their beauty, and their gifts, and potential.  I think about how much they need guidance and protection.  And I am stilled by the weight of it all.  How do I help them to understand how great a gift they can become?  How much they matter.
 
Maybe it's by honoring the sacredness of who they are becoming. 
Maybe it's by allowing myself to be given away.
I am gift, born to be given away.

My babies are gifts, born through me, to be given away by God. 
Will I let them be given?  Will I help them?  Will I be worthy of being entrusted with them? 

Will I trust the great Giver? 

"Lucy, you got some 'splainin to do!"

Photo by Jean

I know, I know.  My blogging has been a bit on the sporadic side and I haven't really taken the time to let you all know what's going on in B land lately...and there IS a lot going on!

August 1st I started school.  No.  Not seminary.  I am learning how to be a massage therapist at Baltimore School of Massage.  It is a one year program at the end of which I will take my national and state licensing exam. 

My dear Dad's reaction to this news was....WHAT?!?

So I understand if you are thinking this as well....but after I convinced him I wasn't going in the direction of a steamy massage parlour he settled down a bit. :-)  Love ya, Pai. 

Soooo, what is it then?  Well, the Lord and I had a good ol' knock down drag out wrestling match and I basically said, I need another year or two.  BUT I need something to do with my hands now!  First, I need to know that I can do the school thing...that my spirit is steady enough to deal with the long term stress, without the added element of having to face the unreconcilables in theology.  Second, the more Grace becomes involved in the dance world, the more I started to understand how important her muscles are to the process, and I want to stay a part of that with her and would love to work with the dancers.  In the midst of all that I also learned that horses need massages too, and may end up going in that direction as well to stay connected with Em. 

Who knows...but as I look back at the process of what got me here, I know now that God had this up His sleeve for a while, and there are trail markings behind me, I just didn't notice them until recently.  I do believe God has answered my prayer to give me something to do with my hands.  I am convinced that there is the possibility of so much healing through touch and I think this is going to be a deeply meaningful tool in my tool box.  I remember when God asked me to quit Seminary how grieved I was.  A friend of mine sent me to the Hershey Spa and I remember the presence of the Lord with me through the whole day in such a palpable way...through the rain, through the quiet, but especially the touch of the therapist.  She met my grief with her hands when words could not have helped.  I want to be able to do that for people.  And I am guessing that when you add prayer and the Spirit of the Lord to the mix, wonderful things can happen. 

I am falling more and more in love with New Hope Church. Our ministry in Swaziland continues to progress.  We have finished raising funds for Eliya's House of Cards and are mostly through our third house for Numsa, a Gogo with ten children who's husband died a few months ago. The construction of Sheila's house is almost complete.  A group from our church was there a couple weeks ago and only doors and windows were lacking. 

Photo by Chris Cole

Here is a photo Chris Cole took when they were there.  Sheila is holding a picture of Wil and I and her.  We wanted her to be able to remember how much she touched OUR lives.  We are going to be doing Christmas cards this year...so hang tight for more news on that.  (I know, I need to update that blog too!) 

On September 11th I will be teaching the Girlfriends Unlimited Bible Study.  We are going to be talking about our Identity in Christ.  And yes, friends, I would love to see you there.  It is held on the second Sunday evening of every month at 6 PM.  The first night I will share some of my own testimony, so if you want to understand how God has been working in my life during the last couple of years, please feel free to come.  On September 4th I will be preaching for both of the Sunday morning services.  (Yes, in fact, I DID use the word preach.)  Kind of exciting, isn't it?  Like I have said before, when God tells you where to go to church, He knows what He is doing, and He's got things up His sleeve you wouldn't believe! I am very blessed to be given the opportunity.  My sermon is entitled The Long Stretch of Submission, and I will be talking about the life of Mary.  If you are in town Labor Day Weekend I would love to see you. 

Sarah starts kindergarten this year. I finally stepped out of denial and decided to register her last week.  Em and Grace will be in 4th and 6th grade.  Em is still riding horses and needs to start taking voice lessons soon.  She fills the car with beautiful songs.  Grace is growing into a beautiful dancer.  She is very excited to be in COBALT again this year.  Matt is still at Rettew...and for now we are keeping the possibility of moving to Pittsburgh at bay.

Mom and Dad are looking toward retirement next year, and I am beginning to contemplate what it will be like to have family nearby for the first time since marriage.  It sort of feels like home is coming to me.  I am very much looking forward to helping Mom set up their home and I am looking forward to having a running buddy in Dad. The girls can hardly contain their excitement at having a Grandma and Grandpa they can see..."you mean every week?" 

Let's see, what can I pass on to you media wise? 
Movie: The Help.  Go see it.  Really.  Best movie out in a long time...and take a box of tissues, for laughs and cries.  Puff's, no lotion.
Book:  OK, so I've been holding on to this one for a while.  I almost bought it when I was in Seattle last year, but felt I should wait.  I finally got the green light two weeks ago.  I think this is on my all time Top 10 List, which is saying something. 

 
The Book is entitled Wave, by Suzy Lee.  It is a wordless book about a little girl at the seashore.  My friend looked at the book and said, "It's like someone saw you at the seashore and wrote a book about you."  Couldn't have 'splained it any better.  And though I look at it and see myself, and laugh and cry, I'm guessing if you love the ocean, you'll see yourself in it too.  That's what good writers, illustrators, preachers, and artists of all strains are able to do. 

Blessings,
B

Twilight Trot (10 K Race at M.Homes in ETown)

Photo by Jean

Bats

Warning...This song is loaded BUT I'm not going to explain.  I will however, below this, post something I wrote an awful long time ago entitled Fighting Off the Bats. On the way home from church I listened to Sarah Groves song Painting Pictures of Egypt.  It's the song the Israelites were singing before the sea parted.
I think Dempsey's song is the other side of the Red Sea.
The last piece is something I wrote after visiting a dear friend.  His name is Dr. Ted Johnson.  He has a lovely wife named Nancy and if you haven't heard me speak about him...well, he's my Gandalf.



Bats from Paul Dempsey on Vimeo.

Fighting Off the Bats


Ever been swarmed? I'm referring to the cloud of darkness that engulfs us, the lies that beat against our spirits. They surround us with fear, doubt, shame, guilt, and despair.

"You're not as gifted, educated, pretty, thin, creative, eloquent as..." (You're not valuable.)
"You're not focused enough, pure enough, mature enough, spiritual enough..." (God won't use you.)
"Your pain will never heal, your longings will never be fulfilled, your desires will never be met..." (You will always be disappointed.)
"If you were really Godly you wouldn't even be struggling with this." (Just to cap it off.)
Sometimes the cloud is so thick it's almost impossible to discern what is coming at us and where it's from. Its like a poison that seeps through your pores to the depths of your being. You just feel spiritually ill.

Why do the bats always seem to attack right after you've fallen to the bottom of an abandoned well?

Exodus 14:10-31
The Israelites have set out for the promised land and they find themselves up against the Red Sea with Pharaoh closing in behind them. The bats begin to swarm. "You thought you were following God to the promise land and look...you'll never get there!" (There is no hope.)
"Weren't there enough places to bury us in Egypt? Why did you have to bring us to the desert to die?" In other words, "Why did you let us get our hopes up? Its better to be numb than crushed." (God is cruel.)
"We were better off serving the Egyptians. Maybe we were slaves, but at least we were alive." (Freedom isn't possible.)
We finally step out in faith to follow God, begin to breathe in all the possibilities the future holds, and then...we see all of creation standing between us and His promises...and our enemies are closing in.. In that dark place our enemy, the Deceiver, swarms.
Until Daddy comes and lifts us out. Until God parts the sea.You know, I've been on the journey long enough that I get that God lets us fall into the well, or get stuck between an army and an ocean. Maybe because He wants us to know that He'll come get us, that He'll part the sea and crush the army. Or maybe even because He's ready for us to move on to eternity with Him. I don't always like it, but I get it.

But WHY doesn't He keep the bats away?

Moses says, "Do not be afraid, stand firm, and see the deliverance that the Lord will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians you see today you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still."

God knew those Egyptians wouldn't return...but the Deceiver would. God was interested in delivering them from a greater enemy. So when it seems impossible that His promises are still true...He lets the Deceiver come. He wants us to understand where the battle really lies...and it's not against flesh and blood. He wants us to know how to win the war that is always going on over our spirits. He wants us to put away fear. To stand firm and believe when our knees want to give out from under us. To wait in confidence until He shows up--and let Him decide when and what that looks like.

What are the impossibles God has asked you to believe?
What bats are attacking you?

I waited patiently for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
Out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40:1-3

Chess
He sat there then, in the way that he does, with his eyes half closed, shaking or nodding his head now and then so you know he's listening.  We sat far enough away from the fireplace that I warmed my hands on a half-full mug of coffee.  I spoke quietly and confidently, not so full of trepidation when sharing my journey as I used to be. 
"I don't know when it happened.  I can't put my finger on a particular incident or time.  One day I just realized that I believed.  Didn't really have anymore understanding or clarity.  Just faith. In that place that courses through the very depths of you, that holds more weight than your mind or your feelings about everything that surrounds you, I had been persuaded. I didn't know why or how, and it didn't matter.  My soul rested in the belief of God.  I stopped wondering, vacillating, needing evidence, needing to prove myself.  I gave up needing to be believed.  I even gave up needing the promises to come true.  They were God's.  He could do with them as He saw fit.  I trusted Him."
"And you don't understand how huge that was for me," I continued, "For so long I felt like I was a pawn in some divine chess game."
He looked at me then, in the way that he does, his eyes piercing out over his glasses and beneath his graying brows. 
"I don't think you were a pawn," he said definitively.  "You were a bishop."
I looked at him fondly, like I sometimes do, and quietly and gratefully took in the honor of what he had said.
Somehow then, I didn't mind the game so much.

Secret Things

I am preparing to teach in a few weeks and was going through some old blog posts of mine. It's always an adventure for me to do such a thing because a lot of times I see that the Lord was speaking to me about something that I was completely oblivious to at the time.  Only now, in retrospect, do I see the connections.  It's fascinating and a very rewarding aspect of this journey I have been on.

Sea Star--Gift from Tia
Dress--Calvin Klein
Photo--Bgrace

On December 5th, 2006 I posted a picture of a sea star that I had found on a website I can't recall now.  It had grabbed me at the time, but really had no known connection or significance to me. I just knew it was whispering something without words.  I entitled the post "Suspiros" with the tag "Suspiros que acredito sem intender."
This is Portuguese for, "Whispers that I believe without understanding."  I promptly forgot about the whispering sea star until today.


Last year, in April 2010, before we went to Bermuda, the Lord kept pointing out sea stars to me.  I know, that statement might feel a little unusual to some of you.  There was a time it would have made me uncomfortable to hear that, too.  It's what is called a sign.  The best way I know how to explain my experience with signs is that the Lord begins to draw my attention to something repeatedly, and I begin to sense that there is a significance to it.  That significance or meaning does not always become clear immediately. It usually unfolds over a period of time and sometimes it unveils itself over a period of years.  Signs are rarely specific.  They are pictures.  Pictures simultaneously tell us more and less than words do. We get a broader view that is less defined.  We are aware of connections and feel meaning in a picture, and yet there are no details or explanations. We sense more than we know.


A long time ago a friend of mine wrote this to me:
The photographer, Diane Arbus, once said:
"A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know." 
I think this same thing can be said about the glory and majesty of the Lord. And probably His love, as well.
It's like the more we know, the less we truly know.



A.W. Tozer painted this beautiful image with words:
"Yet if we would know God and for other's sake tell what we know, we must try to speak of His love.  All Christians have tried, but none has ever done it very well.  I can no more do justice to that awesome and wonder-filled theme than a child can grasp a star.  Still, by reaching toward the star the child may call attention to it and even indicate the direction one must look to see it.  So, as I stretch my heart toward the high, shining love of God, someone who has not before known about it may be encouraged to look up and have hope."
The Knowledge of the Holy


On December 12, 2006 I wrote a post called Secrets:
The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the revealed things belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this Instruction. 

(Deuteronomy 29:29 NIV/The Five Books of Moses,Shocken)

To you the secret of the Kingdom of God has been given, but to those outside everything is said in parables, so that they may be always looking but never seeing; always listening but never understanding. Otherwise, they might turn and be forgiven.

 (Mark 4:11 The Jewish NT)

How long Lord?

And He answered, “And though a tenth remains in the land, it will again be laid waste. But as the terebinth and oak leave stumps when they are cut down, so the holy seed will be the stump in the land.” 

(Isaiah 6:11,13 NIV)

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not suppressed it.

He was in the world--the world came to be through him--yet the world did not recognize him. He came to his own homeland, yet his own people did not receive him.
The Word became a human being and lived with us, and we saw his Sh'khinah, the Sh'khinah of the Father's only Son, full of grace and truth.
We have all received from his fullness, yes, grace upon grace.
For the Torah was given through Moshe; grace and truth came through Yeshua the Messiah.
No one has ever seen God, but the only and unique Son, who is identical with God and is at the Father's side--he has made him known. 
(John 1:5,10-11,14,16-18; The Jewish NT)


Yet there is a wisdom that we are speaking to those who are mature enough for it. But it is not the wisdom of the world or of this world’s leaders, who are in the process of passing away. On the contrary, we are communicating a secret wisdom from God which has been hidden until now but which, before history began, God had decreed would bring us glory. Not one of this world’s leaders has understood it; because if they had, they would not have executed the Lord from whom this glory flows. But, as the Tanakh (The Hebrew Scripture) says,

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard and no one’s heart has imagined all the things God has prepared for those who love him.”For the Spirit probes all things, even the profoundest depths of God.
(I Cor. 2:6-10; The Jewish NT)


Today I add this Scripture to the picture:

"For my concern is that their hearts may be braced (comforted, cheered, and encouraged) as they are knit together in love, that they may come to have all the abounding wealth and blessings of assured conviction of understanding, and that they may become progressively more intimately acquainted with and may know more definitely and accurately and thoroughly what that mystic secret of God, (which is) Christ (the Anointed One).
In Him all the treasures of (divine) wisdom (comprehensive insight into the ways and purposes of God) and (all the riches of spiritual) knowledge and enlightenment are stored up and lie hidden." 
(Colossians 2:2-3 Amplified Bible)


Dallas Willard closes his book Hearing God, with this witness:
"Today, as God's trusting apprentices in the kingdom of the heavens, we live on the Emmaus road, so to speak, with an intermittently burning heart.  His word pours into our heart, energizing and directing our life in a way that cannot be accounted for in natural terms.  The presence of the physical world is, then, if I will have it so, no longer a barrier between me and God.  My visible surroundings become, instead, God's gift to me, where I am privileged to see the rule of heaven realized through my friendship with Jesus.  He makes it so in response to my expectation.  There, in some joyous measure, creation is seen moving toward "the glorious liberty of the children of God"--all because my life counts for eternity as I live and walk with God."


So I propose you take this post and sit with it all for a while.  Print it out if you need to and carry it to a quiet place...the sea shore if at all possible.  Most of these words are not mine and there is so much here that is worth meditating on.  Let the Lord speak to you through it. Open yourself to receive what He might reveal to you.  


Here is a prayer I wrote in 2006 after I meditated on these Scriptures.  You may borrow it if you like.

Photo by Bgrace

Yahweh,
You have been revealing your secrets to us for a very long time.
Why?
That we might follow You.
That we might see
That we might listen and understand what we hear.
That we might turn…
And be forgiven.
May life come from death.
May your light never be suppressed in our land…in my heart.
Help me, Emmanuel.
To recognize you
To receive you
To live with you
To see your glory, your grace, your truth
To receive your glory, your grace, your truth
You have made yourself known to all.
May You be made known to me.
May I enter into all that I cannot imagine, that you have prepared.
May You be known Adonai, through me.Here I am, send me!  


Blessings,
B